Today, I went to my sister's house after picking up the kids from Albreena's house. She had sent me a text message asking me to come and have dinner, since she cooked a new spicy potato dish that she learned from my other sister, Omamah( she will be referred to Leila sometimes, since for Obvious Reasons, she changed her name at the age of 18. Oh, and Leila has an equally pretty twin sister by the name of Rubabah, who changed her name to "Ruby". They're a lot more creative than that, I promise.)
I digress. So, we get to her house, and she fixes a plate for myself and then crams the mixture into sandwich form, for the kids. After a few bites, I could feel the heat rise to the surface of my face. My eyes began to water and my nose started getting runny. It was way too spicy. Beena can't cook Pakistani Food. She can cook other types of food, provided she has clearly cut out, step by step, spoon fed, detailed instructions. Cooking Instincts, however, she posesses not. Alas. So, then the kids keep asking for water, and I notice that the plain rice mixed with the fiery potatoes I got, were not enough to negate the burning sensation in my belly. Furthermore, when I asked her for some 'yogurt', she said she had none, and then started getting irritated. "You guys are So High Maintenance."
wow. If my eyes weren't tearing as much as they were, and if I wasn't coughing and struggling to breathe, I would have retaliated or even given her a look of disgust. Needless to say, I did nothing. Shrugged it off. It's what I do. I do Nothing. I shrug things off. For the Most Part. I am the Ideal Picture of 'Avoiding Conflict'. I'm the White Knight of 'Picking-your-Battles'. So much so, that I try to find the Humor in a situation that really Pisses me Off, in an effort to not have to 'Deal' With it.
Yes. it's Severly Unhealthy. Oh well. It IS what it IS. ( I have an Entire Section devoted to that Phrase!!! )
So, you will soon read/see, that Beena saying that ANYONE is high maintenance, is the Utmost Fulfilling definition of 'The Pot Calling the Kettle BLACK".
seriously.
so, than she keeps trying to talk about David and ask how he is doing, and I keep evading her questions and casual talk, as the kids are sitting at the table and I don't talk about my personal life in front of them. So, she finally gets It. And then, the worse possible topic comes up.
my parents.
ugh.
sigh.
Dismay.
I let her know that the parents are still living in my house, much to my utter and total disgust. I speak on the disturbing and upsetting topic for some time, after which she makes a remark that makes my Blood Curdle.
"Sana, You can keep saying you hate it and you can't stand it, but-you're like a dog chasing its own tail. You're never gonna do anything about it."
w o w.
Can you say "Bitch"..?
I can.
so, of course, i reach a fork in the road in the situation. I could do ONE out of THREE things.
1.) reply, "No, Beena, you're like an empty shell of a human. You seem to 'look', 'smell', and 'taste' like a human, but inside you are NOTHING. I only WISH I had the gall, or lack thereof, to tell my parents to get out of my home, while they are next to begging me to let them stay for a couple of months."
2.) my signature mark. Shrug it off. Shut down. Get up, get the kids, and leave.
3.) reply, "Thanks for being so understanding and supportive of my pain. Your generous use of sensitive words in the times that I am down, really helps me to keep my self esteem at bay."
yes. You guessed it. Lucky Number Two. I shrugged, hung my head, and got up. I told her I didn't want to talk about it, and that she didn't get it. She immediately sensed me getting distant, and sad and tries to save it by saying something equally obnoxious..."You're the Only GOOD Daughter left, Sana..."
to that, I say, Hoe Please.
well, i didn't Really say that, but sitting here now, and reflecting on it, y'know...you kinda process things and then are able to deal with them better.
And then, Dad calls. I speak with him, and then I get up and start to leave. Beena insists that i'm wasting my life and wasting my time by having them in it. ugh.
We leave. the kids put their shoes on, but not before they ask me 30 questions and stop about 10 times before putting their shoes on. One the drive home, my eyes have tears, and i'm lost trying to figure out what the Hell is Bothering Me. What is Wrong? For so very Long, my parents have been so hurtful and mean. My mom's words scarred me in the deepest place all my life, and my father's negligience and overall lack of concern for the shitty job that his ignorant wife was doing, raising them by herself, is painful to digest as well.
sigh.
Why couldn't I let go?
Why was I holding on to all this pain?
Why after all these years of burying it and leaving it alone, am I taking a step back and getting Pissed off about the shit that I didn't care to address before?
Why am I holding on to something that hurts?
Why am I being like Beena?
I don't know.
I got home, had the kids brush and wash, and then sent them to bed. I got up, shook off that yucky sad feeling and went to their room. Big Hugs and kisses and love and sweet dreams for you both...(we do this every nite.)
I went back in my room....did small things to try and shake all those thoughts. brushed my teeth, took the contacts out, and changed my clothes....
eh... I feel better. After trying to find someone to vent to, and realizing that it would probably not make me feel better, I decided to do this.
I'm gonna start every post with 'Today', and then end with 'It's gonna be Alright.'...
why the hell not.
I am usually the person who keeps people happy and positive, why not use that energy on myself?
so, Here I go. I haven't figured out the reasons for why I felt as yucky and down as I did, but I know for sure, Tomorrow is Another Day....and one more thing is a Fact....
It's Gonna be Alright.
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